anaddictsmomma

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  • When I’m sick

    when I am sick I miss him. I miss him bringing me juice, water, coffee,… I miss him, calling me a whiner and then making me his famous grilled cheese. I miss him constantly asking me if I’ll be OK than telling me to stop complaining… I miss him. I want him here to yell at me. I hate being sick without him. I hate being here without him here. Sometimes I hate everything without him here! surgeries are hard, hospitals so hard – he hated when I was in the hospital and God forbid I was in pain. It…

  • Holidays

    Holidays are tough who has lost a piece of their heart. Independence Day was such a fun day for my sunshine and me. When he was little, we would go to the festival on the lake. We would listen to the music and then he would sit between my legs and we would watch the fireworks together and the look on his face was priceless. Fireworks were a thing for Mark. They were a thing for the two of us. As he got older, we changed where we went for the fireworks to the beach, our beach. He would hang…

  • Saying his name

    when you are an angel momma I believe your job becomes not allowing them to be forgotten. You share the memories you had with them often. You wait to hear their name said. When someone mentions his name, Mark, Jack, a tear may show up, but it is because in my head in my heart I am so thrilled that someone besides me remembers him, think of him, smiles because of who he was. It doesn’t remind me of his death. I can promise you I did not forget it just lets me know that you remembered that he lived,…

  • a different me

    people say I’ll too often that “people don’t change”. I believe that truly good hearted people stay good hearted and evil people stay evil but the rest changes. in a second, I became someone I didn’t know. I became the “Momma “who lost her son. I’ve gone through the stages of grief, several times in different order. I cried, scream, begged, and was scary quiet. Quiet is good sometimes, but when grieving Quiet can be very bad. I’m different now. I see things very differently. I have been through the worst day of parenthood, an event so catastrophic there is…

  • Cutting

    Touchy subject-difficult for people to understand, difficult for people to hear about but this isn’t about what’s easy sooooo When I was young (early teens maybe) I would cut my arms and legs. I never did it to hurt myself. I couldn’t understand it then but now I think it was a way for my mind to believe I was getting the feelings out because I couldn’t think or didn’t know of a way to release them, so I cut. This was short lived. Mark also cut himself in his early teens. The day I saw it, we had a…

  • The immediate after

    This is out of order but it’s where my head went as I thought about what next to write. After Mark passed I recall an angel mom saying “it’s going to get worse”. My immediate thought was “What? it’s not possible to be worse than this” “she doesn’t know what she is talking about. What I said was “I can’t imagine worse than this”. She said, “when it happens please call-I’m here”. I said thanx still thinking it can’t be worse than this. I moved through the next 18 months half in a daze, screaming at God, crying, curled up…

  • family and The Family

    Mark had mad respect for me, his poppies, his poppa, his Godmother, and a few other family members. He and his poppies (my dad) were very close. When poppies died Mark was in a county jail (county jail is not the place to tell someone like Mark that kind of news) so I waited until he was in shock detention-I’m glad I waited. he took it hard. When his poppa died (my grandfather), my mom called Mark and I first, we lived 3 miles away. Mark had a lot of death in his young life. He “seemed” to handle it…

  • Friends and “friends”

    One set of Mark’s friends I will love forever. The other I feel only sadness and will pray for them. Mark’s Friends: they were his family/tribe. They stayed by his side. They were always there for him though sometimes they had to walk away to not enable his behavior but if he called for help they were there always. He loved them. They loved him-love him still. Mark’s “friends”: These would the people who would call him as he walked out of rehab or jail or the hospital after an overdose. Those people wanted money or someone to use with.…

  • “The weekend”-my view

    I was unaware of “the weekend” until much later in his addiction. But my thoughts went from “What?? NO!!!!!!” to “stupid kids” to “what should I have done differently”. All depends on the day. But after over 10 years since he passed and 8 years before that which was the started as “the weekend” I can say nothing should have been done differently on my end. My belief is everyone has their life is planned for them. “The weekend” was a weekend Mark went to hang with is best friend at college less than an hour away. (what could possibly…

  • Special Days

    As an addict mom (though my addict is an angel) holidays, birthdays, angelversaries,…) are difficult at best. When my son was in active use he would text or maybe call. When he was in recovery he would see me, take me to lunch, go to the beach for coffee,… And also we had a few years off and on where my Mother’s day was spent in jail visiting him (as awful as that sounds, I knew he was safe so not that awful). I guess the time in active use was the worst because He wasn’t allowed at family functions…