anaddictsmomma

As an addict mom (though my addict is an angel) holidays, birthdays, angelversaries,…) are difficult at best. When my son was in active use he would text or maybe call. When he was in recovery he would see me, take me to lunch, go to the beach for coffee,… And also we had a few years off and on where my Mother’s day was spent in jail visiting him (as awful as that sounds, I knew he was safe so not that awful). I guess the time in active use was the worst because He wasn’t allowed at family functions if we knew he was using. Let me back up a bit. Mark’s addiction was an 8 yearlong hell for him and me and many others who loved him. So, there was quite a lot of special days he didn’t participate in which broke my heart.

Having an addict (or angel for that matter) for your child is so hard people don’t want to bring them up, people don’t know what to say. Having a tribe that “gets it” is detrimental to getting through life. Also, if you know someone who has lost a child (doesn’t matter how) don’t not mention them because you think it will upset them-they didn’t forget they died. You are letting them know you remember that they lived. I can’t express how important that is.

Now as an angel mom those days are so different. There is no worry-he is safe in God’s hands. But the emptiness at times is horrible. Today being Mother’s Day is sucky this year (other years sucked but some were better than this year). I want to talk with my boy, I want one of his amazing one-of-a-kind Mark hugs, and I want to hear his voice say Happy Mother’s Day Momma. None of those things will happen so I plug through the day/weekend trying to keep my head above water. Tired and feeling like I’m treading water. My mind fills with the Mother’s Days gone, the great memories, the cute gifts, and the goofiness that was my sonshine. I will never forget.

If you’re hurting today-Give yourself a break-be sad, cry, scream, do what you have to do and then breath and remember it will all be OK.**

**Side note the night before my son died (Easter morning 2016) he told his GF “Everything is going to be OK”