anaddictsmomma

Touchy subject-difficult for people to understand, difficult for people to hear about but this isn’t about what’s easy sooooo

When I was young (early teens maybe) I would cut my arms and legs. I never did it to hurt myself. I couldn’t understand it then but now I think it was a way for my mind to believe I was getting the feelings out because I couldn’t think or didn’t know of a way to release them, so I cut. This was short lived.

Mark also cut himself in his early teens. The day I saw it, we had a long conversation about it. He said he wasn’t sure why he did it but said he did it during times he was stressed, upset, lost. I understand and told him that. I told him I also did it, so I did get it. He expressed how it felt after he did it, I also understood that. The good part is he and I felt a release of the overwhelming feelings we felt. When he said it felt like he would explode if he didn’t, I hugged him tight (I remember that like it was yesterday) That is how I felt thought knowing I was NOT going to explode really but it felt that way. So, counseling was in order so he could learn how to express himself and get those feelings out without harming himself. Worked for me. And after a bit it worked for him. We made each other a promise a couple years later (he was maybe 17) that we would talk to each other if we felt this way again.

When Mark was in shock incarceration, he called to let me know he was feeling that way again. Shock isn’t the place to share vulnerable sides of oneself. So we talked and he wrote letters to me every day about his thoughts, feelings, etc. It helped.

After Mark passed, I was lost. I was numb. Every day all I was doing was trying to breathe. Trying to get through each day, hour, minute. Well, when that day came when I realized my baby wasn’t coming in the door-my world went into complete chaos and the cutting began again-this time it was different. When I was young, they were very small, not deep cuts, this time that was not the case. I was carving almost. I couldn’t get everything out so at that moment I went deeper to try and make it stop. I am aware that none of it is possible, that no amount of cutting does anything but release blood but at that moment I couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t stop, just couldn’t … At this point in my grieving process, I was in grief counseling. My counselor was amazing. After a very short time I relearned how to deal with my feelings, anxiety, etc.

Help is out there and I encourage anyone who may think they should talk to someone-do it!!!!!!!!