anaddictsmomma

when I am sick I miss him. I miss him bringing me juice, water, coffee,… I miss him, calling me a whiner and then making me his famous grilled cheese. I miss him constantly asking me if I’ll be OK than telling me to stop complaining… I miss him. I want him here to yell at me. I hate being sick without him. I hate being here without him here. Sometimes I hate everything without him here!

surgeries are hard, hospitals so hard – he hated when I was in the hospital and God forbid I was in pain. It almost was like he felt my pain. He always stayed close. He would sleep on the floor next to the couch or in the chair next to my bed. I hate the feeling I get when I am sick. It feels like there’s a complete empty side of my heart and that the other side is bursting and overflowing. It’s a weird painful unbelievably happy feeling. I miss him. I miss that smile, those super tight hugs, his goofy stories, his larger than life attitude. I miss my boy. I miss being his momma though I will always be his momma. I am very aware that he is good but I still miss him needing me so there is kind of that lost feeling. Even when life is going very well I miss him more than anyone can imagine. I miss our bond. If I could, I would call him right now and we would grab coffee and go to the beach and talk about everything and nothing. There are those days when I am in that. I’m fine mood. It’s that stupid. I can’t explain it, but I’m not fine. I’m sad and I miss him. Not screaming, yelling, crying, sad mood just to sit listen to the waves, tears, sad. I miss my son.
I am very aware that that feeling is never going to go away. Mark and I had a bond that was absolutely incredible. He took a piece of me with him and a piece of him is with me.

I totally understand that that’s never going to go away and I’m OK with it. Most days are happy now. I do know that he is in a much better place and preparing a spot for all the people he loved and who loved him. But quite honestly, the sad part of it does not go away. The missing him every single day. The what if. At the beginning, it was so unbelievably painful. You didn’t know if you were gonna make it through the day the week the year and sometimes the minute. It is not like that now it is just missing his little quirks and that amazing smile and his incredible hugs. He will be my life forever and I am well aware he is with me every single day. I love him infinity plus one