anaddictsmomma

Mark had mad respect for me, his poppies, his poppa, his Godmother, and a few other family members. He and his poppies (my dad) were very close. When poppies died Mark was in a county jail (county jail is not the place to tell someone like Mark that kind of news) so I waited until he was in shock detention-I’m glad I waited. he took it hard. When his poppa died (my grandfather), my mom called Mark and I first, we lived 3 miles away. Mark had a lot of death in his young life. He “seemed” to handle it ok. Seemed being the key. The losses slowly ate away at him. He didn’t know how to deal with all the loss, abandonment, sadness, etc. He lost people he respected at a time when he was sliding down a steep hill already. Because he didn’t know how to deal with it or didn’t want to, he didn’t. He decided that feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain of the loss. he numbed himself.

Now, the problem with this for Mark was again, he didn’t like to disappoint people and numbing himself, though for a moment helped he then felt he disappointed everyone. Spiraling more and more down this black hole of addiction. My baby was getting more and more depressed as the months/years went on. Mark needed to make people laugh and smile-all the time. The thing I hear most about him was how funny he was. That’s how he hid his sadness.

A bit about Mark and his view on respect. He didn’t come back from anyone disrespecting him or me, especially me. He felt there was no need to disrespect. You don’t have to like someone but you have to be respectful or don’t deal with them at all. That’s it! Mark on several occasions would walk out of family gatherings, party’s, other gathering, etc. if he or I were being disrespected He was polite about it, but we would get in the car and he would lose his mind. Mark chose not to deal with some people because of it. Leason to be learned there. When he had to be around people like that he tried hard to fake it (learned that from me). When it was family that kid never and i mean never forgot.

If Mark respected you, you were His Family/His Tribe-you belonged to us!

When using Mark’s only tribe was Dope. He believed the only thing who cared and loved him was dope. Mark couldn’t see that his tribe was loving him more, harder during these times. This breaks my heart for him and for anyone else this happens to. The love his people had for him was very deep and he couldn’t feel it during these times and that is so sad.