anaddictsmomma

This is out of order but it’s where my head went as I thought about what next to write.

After Mark passed I recall an angel mom saying “it’s going to get worse”. My immediate thought was “What? it’s not possible to be worse than this” “she doesn’t know what she is talking about. What I said was “I can’t imagine worse than this”. She said, “when it happens please call-I’m here”. I said thanx still thinking it can’t be worse than this. I moved through the next 18 months half in a daze, screaming at God, crying, curled up in a ball on the bedroom floor sobbing, and drinking to numb the pain at times.

Then one day it happened-it occurred to me that my baby, my sonshine, my world will never walk through that door again. That was the day EVERYTHING got worse! My only baby was gone. I made the call. She listened to me sob and scream. From that day forward I began to heal. At no point during those first 18 months did I think or say he’s coming back. But my mind couldn’t process that he was really gone until that day. It was a rough, horrible, horrific few days/weeks/… I don’t know how long. I spent the next couple years drunk often just to not feel-it didn’t help. Adding a depressant to help with depression doesn’t work!!!!!!

It has been 10 years since Mark passed. I feel good. I miss him every day but most days are good. Memories are of his amazing laugh, our amazing conversations, his sense of humor, his beautiful smile, incredible hugs. I have wonderful chats with him about everything. I believe he is proud of all that I’ve done since he went to heaven. I look forward to his amazing hug when I get there.

Sometimes after a loss things seem hopeless. I get it. Sometimes you lose yourself in the loss. Be sad, angry, lost, etc. just don’t stay there. Take the moment do what you need to do and then dry the tears, splash water on your face and take on the world or take a shower, or read a book, or take a walk. You can do this! Your angel would want you to. I know 100% Mark wants me to live! So I am.